DON’T BE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY

     There is a recognizable pattern of self-destructive behavior that, when viewedby courts, can severely hurt the chances of being seriously considered for custody.

      Perhaps it is a symptom of the emotional impact of a contested divorce, but, many clients will charge ahead with this detrimental behavior despite their own better judgment and the entreaties of their counsel. Do not do or say anything that you would not want to see or hear on tape in the courtroom.

     By recognizing the ten worst things that you can do to hurt your custody case, you may be able to head off those actions or at least take steps to minimize their impact in court. Please read this list and make sure it is NOT part of your behavior.

     1) Make derogatory remarks about the other parent. This is probably the most common mistake made by parents embroiled in child custody disputes. People seem to believe that they will enhance their own image by making such remarks about the other parent, and that, if they feel that way, the judge undoubtedly will see the other parent’s faults and award you custody.

     2)  Make derogatory remarks about the other parent’s family. This type of behavior can further reinforce a judge’s negative perception of the parent making the remarks, not the one who is the object of them. As the song lyrics suggest, you must "accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative."

     3)  Use the child as a messenger. It is best to leave children out of the conflict in which you find yourself. Judges feel that parents should make decisions and arrangements for their children by communicating directly. Children are put in an awkward situation when called on to act as messengers for parents who will not communicate.

     4)  Refuse to talk by telephone with the other parent. Children often are forced to fill the role of messenger when the parents refuse to communicate by telephone. I direct phone conversation just doesn’t work, we suggest that you and the other parent leave each other messages on answering machines in a business like fashion.

     5)  Leave the child with a babysitter during visitation periods. Although nothing prohibits a parent from doing this, such conduct can send the message that you are not interested in spending time with the child. Try to spend as much visitation time with the child or children and reschedule your outside activities when possible to do this.

     6)  Fail to communicate with the child’s educators and health care providers. In the view of the courts, the "star" parents are those who are involved, regardless of the custodial arrangement, in all aspects of their children’s lives. What better way to prove this than through evidence from the people who are most involved in your children’s upbringing, such as teachers, principals, physicians, therapists and clergy? Keep this in mind.

     7)  Keep the child involved in activities from dawn until bedtime. A parent who is overly zealous in involving the child in outside activities often appears to the judge to be a parent who fails to properly tend to all the child’s needs and who creates stress for the child. Your child’s schedule should be balanced to include free time for play and time for homework.

    8)  Be inflexible regarding visitation schedules. The key here is reasonableness. The parent who understands that a child needs structure and that the other parent needs to be able to rely on a schedule, while also understanding that an occasional change in schedule is appropriate, will be looked upon favorably by the court.

     9)  Provide an over zealously negative profile of the other parent to a custody evaluator. If psychologist or psychiatrists are involve din evaluations, they generally do not need the help of the parents in pointing out each other’s deficiencies. The parent who insists on doing so is likely to lose out in the evaluation process. Leave the psychoanalysis to the professionals. Provide them with the facts which they ask for.

    10)  Have the "significant other" get involved in the custody dispute. Telling the child to refer to the significant "other" as "Mom" or "Dad" can be a danger signal. The parent who is seeking to replace the child’s mother or father with a "new" interest will not be favored by the Court.

     If you keep these types of behavior in mind while emphasizing the positive aspects of being a parent, even in the difficult environment of divorce, experience suggests that you will be more successful in any custody dispute. It is also much better for the child.

     THANK YOU TO FRANKLIN MIROFF FOR THESE WISE THOUGHTS!